


Because I Wanted To Live Deliberately

by caffeinatedCreep



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: AKA I love Neil too much to kill him, AU where Neil doesn't die, Gay Male Character, M/M, Modern AU, Original Character(s), Self-Indulgent, Trans Male Character, i watched dps and literally fell in love with neil okay, literally this is just me loving neil perry a lot, mlm author, this is gonna be gay af, trans author
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2018-07-20
Packaged: 2019-02-10 12:05:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12911571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caffeinatedCreep/pseuds/caffeinatedCreep
Summary: [ Modern AU ofDead Poets Societythat also explores a timeline where Neil doesn’t die ]DIY punk JD Hemingway takes part in plays and musicals all the time. Playing flute in the pit and helping the crew with props offers him the Broadway experience that he knows he’ll never get. When Neil Perry, a Welton golden boy, gets the male lead inA Midsummer Night’s Dream, JD can’t seem to keep his eyes off him. But it isn’t Neil’s prep school boy looks that caught JD’s attention. Rather, it was Neil’s deeply buried desire to be himself that drew JD to him. After getting urged by his friends to approach him, JD musters the courage to speak to Neil. A love for poetry connects them. But there’s so much of the world that JD wants Neil to see, even if his father disapproves.





	1. Necessary World-Building BS

**The things you'll need to know** :

 

\+ This is set in roughly modern times, I won't set a year

\+ JD goes to the public school; he's part of pit/crew typically at Henley Hall

\+ Ronan graduated from Welton the year prior; Rorie graduated from the public school

\+ Van-Gogh goes to Welton

\+ Neil won't be dying at the end of this; seeing as it's already an AU, I figured why not explore what could've happened if he lived

\+ Since Neil doesn't die, Keating won't necessarily lose his job (Still figuring that out)

\+ JD is legitimately the biggest DIY punk/art hoe

\+ I made a playlist for this because I'm trash: https://open.spotify.com/user/ringleader-kal/playlist/3YXr36V2kAqN8FjqkuFG4M

\+ Legit don't know how long it'll take me to write this first chapter


	2. Carpe Diem / Carpe Noctem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To not understand the drawing power of the arts is to lack the most fundamental of understandings of the arts at all. Words hold within them a lasting and potent ability to create lines and wires between those of us who are subject to them.
> 
> Plays and emotions and uncertainty help along the blooming of JD and Neil's own individuality and all that their hearts long for. But some of their desires might be too far from their fingertips.

_“Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there with open arms and open eyes.”_

 

Somehow, someway, JD always found himself spending his evenings at Henley Hall. Even when he wasn’t helping with one of the productions, he’d end up in the building, seated in the crowd and watching on.

Tonight were the auditions for _A Midsummer Night’s Dream_. As much as he didn’t like Shakespeare, JD was a sucker for auditions. Someone always seemed to stand out, and he’d wait impatiently to see them perform.

His interest caught on the prep school boy who came racing in, nearly panting and nearly late. He was still in uniform, though his hair was no longer carefully placed. And he didn’t reek of old money.

JD was intrigued.

“You are here to audition?” the director asked from the stage, appraising the new boy just as JD had. She received a nod, and she asked, “Which part are you after?”

“Puck,” preppy boy said between breaths.

JD turned fully in his seat, watching this new boy blatantly. There was no denying that he was as pretty as the rich boys, but he didn’t seem full of himself.

“Well then, get on the stage and act.”

“Yes ma’am.”

As he approached the stage, script in hand, the director asked, “Might I have your name?”

“Neil. Neil Perry,” he said with a smile. JD’s eyes widened, and he blinked rapidly. Thoughts racing, he pieced together a description of Neil’s smile that would put F. Scott Fitzgerald to shame.

‘Nick Carraway was enamored by Gatsby’s smile, but I’m damn near intoxicated,’ JD thought, biting his lip as he nearly smiled himself. ‘On its own it must be a godly concoction of saccharine and wickedness, but with genuine happiness behind it, it’s earth-shattering.’ The urge to take a picture of Neil was almost too strong.

At his side, JD’s boyfriend nudged him and asked, “You alright?” JD’s face flushed: he’d forgotten Van-Gogh was there and that he had a boyfriend at all. “Seems like you just saw a ghost or something.”

Turning towards Van-Gogh in near shame, JD shook his head and said, “I’m just surprised to see someone from Welton here. Other than you. But you’re only here because...Of me, so…”

“Yeah, Welton isn’t very artsy, is it?” Van joked, smiling and leaning back. “I thought that guy looked familiar.” Dropping his voice, Van whispered, “He’s one of the golden boys: top of our class. Dad wants him to be a doctor, so I’ve heard.”

Eyebrows racing for his hairline, JD mumbled, “A doctor-to-be trying out for a play? That’s not something you hear often, especially around here.”

Van glanced JD’s way before turning back to the stage and sinking further into his seat, saying, “Welton fathers push their ambitions on their sons often. Some refuse to accept it, while others succumb to it. It’s one of Hellton’s many faults.”

Frowning, JD watched as Neil stripped his coat and tossed it onto an empty seat. Bright eyed and smiling, Neil climbed the stage.

“You should have the audition scenes marked,” the director called over her shoulder as she dug for something to write with. As she turned back to face them, she named people for all the different roles. “And for Puck…” JD noticed how Neil’s eyes widened and his smile lifted at the corner just a tad. “Kevin.” In moments he deflated.

“Hey, don’t you know that kid?” Van whispered, making JD jump as he turned to look at him and nodded. “He any good?”

“Not that I’m remem--”

“JD,” the director called over her shoulder, unintentionally interrupting. Sitting up in his seat, he met her eyes. “Would you take those who aren’t auditioning backstage?”

Nodding, JD got up. Van caught his wrist for a moment and pressed a light kiss to the inside of it. Face flushing, he turned and walked quickly to the stage and up the steps. Gesturing for the hopeful actors to follow him, he led them to the backrooms.

“For those of you who are very serious about getting the part you want, I’d use this time to run lines and make your performance stand out,” he said after he knew they were all with him. “Any room is fine to use, but don’t be disruptive. And don’t use the bathroom.”

The hopefuls snickered, and JD caught Neil’s eye. Neil smiled at him, and he nearly choked on his breath. Waving at them, he disappeared back towards the wings to watch auditions. As he sat down on the steps, he lectured himself.

‘You’ve got a boyfriend, JD Chase. A boyfriend who you’re lucky as all hell to have.’ Resting his head on the wall, he closed his eyes and listened to the lines. Kevin’s performance was lackluster. ‘And even if you weren’t dating Van, Neil doesn’t know you. And you don’t know him. Let that fantasy die before you get attached.’

 

Neil’s heart was pounding as time ticked away. Though he’d never done serious acting before, he could tell in his heart that it was all he wanted to do. His father might not approve of all of this right now, but surely he’d come around after seeing he was good at it.

Right?

Good Lord he hoped so, or else he’d be faced with yet another heartbreak at the hands of his father.

But it wasn’t really wasn’t his father’s fault. He’d given up his own time and spent his own money to get his son into one of the best preparatory schools in the United States. Of course he wouldn’t want all of that wasted and would want him to be a doctor.

That’s only logical, right?

“Neil,” called the boy with the bleached hair from earlier called, catching Neil’s attention. “You’re up for Puck.” His sweater was one from Welton. Probably a friend’s, or one he found at a thrift store after an alumnus sold it. It had patches all over the sleeves, as well as pins and buttons and-- “Are you going to come audition?”

“Oh, yeah, of course!” Cursing internally, Neil followed the boy back towards the stage. He hadn’t noticed that he was the only left in the back until then. “So, uh, your name is...JD?” he asked, trying at conversation in the little time they had to talk.

“Yeah,” JD said, glancing over his shoulder with a quirked grin. “And you’re Neil. Soon to be Puck, if you’re a competent actor.”

“Were the others…?”

“Take what I said as you wish to.” Parting the curtain, JD held it back for him and said, “Knock ‘em dead.”

 

It was hard for JD to take pictures of Neil -- and add captions screaming about how pretty and talented and nice he was -- to send to Ronan and Rorie without Van noticing...Until Van fell asleep.

Snapping a picture and simply saying, “u hoe,” he sent it to his boyfriend and sat back. The director had just finished up her thank yous and was just about to announce the parts.

“Amber will be playing Titania,” she began and went on and on. When it came down to just Puck, she skipped over him and turned to face the seats. “Ah, JD, you are still here!” With a clap of her hands, she gestured to him, saying, “This here is JD Hemingway. He’ll be playing in the pit for the music, as well as helping the crew. He’s the only one who came tonight.”

He’d already had to interact with the actors once and had practically met them, and yet he had to smile and wave yet again.

Looking back to the boys fidgeting before her, the director laughed and asked, “Oh, did I forget Puck?” She’d clearly done it on purpose. “How silly. For the role of Puck, I think it was very clear who had to play him…”

JD held his breath.

Neil held his breath.

They all collectively held their breaths.

“Congratulations Neil.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life. To put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived."_
> 
> Welcome to the Dead Poets Society.


	3. Emotion Like a Bomb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Private schools are a breeding ground for toxic masculinity, and the young men who inhabit them act as the hosts. Those who dare act against it are brave in a way that only those like them would ever understand.
> 
> There's nothing that makes JD happier than someone coming to terms with themselves and coming out, but the reaction to Neil's sexuality burrows deep into him and makes him bite his tongue. Some words are meant to be kept silent. Some feelings are meant to be repressed. But not everyone is willing to do so.

_“We were cloaked in the awning of night, or early morning.”_

 

Non-Welton students aren’t supposed to be on campus unless otherwise authorized, much less at night. However, neither JD nor Van-Gogh ever cared much to follow that particular rule. It wasn’t unusual to find JD in the commons area at least once a month.

Neil, however, had never noticed his presence before. So, when he saw him the day after auditions, his breath caught in his throat. JD stood out among the Welton students, with his bleached bedhead of hair and modded denim jacket. Taking a seat with his usual friend group, Neil tore his eyes from JD and looked around the small table.

“Meeting tonight?” he asked quietly. Charlie and Knox grinned and nodded; Meeks and Pitts shared a glance. Cameron looked rather concerned about getting caught -- like always -- but relented after Charlie glared at him. “Todd?”

Todd met Neil’s eyes and stared him down for a moment before saying, “You know I’ll be there, by choice or otherwise.” The other boys at the table cheered, but Todd raised his hand slightly and said, “But you’ve got to invite whoever it is you were staring at.”

Charlie, always the mischief maker, and Knox, always the romantic, immediately leaned in and asked, “Oh?”

Smiling in embarrassment, Neil turned away and mumbled, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Which lucky girl caught Mr. Neil Perry’s eye that I don’t know about?” Charlie teased, getting up from his seat and racing to stand beside Neil. “Where did you see her?” Rolling his eyes, Neil pushed Charlie away from him and stared up at the ceiling.

“It’s nothing guys, I promise.”

Leaning forward a bit, Meeks cleared his throat and asked, “Why are you getting so defensive over this information Neil?”

Before Neil could answer, Todd cut in and said, “Because he’s in the room and he doesn’t want to start a scene.”

It took less than a second for Todd to realize he’d created the very scene he’d attempted to avoid.

“Wait...WHAT?” Charlie yelled, right by Neil’s ear. Taking a step away, he did a once over of him and shook his head. “I’d never have thought to consider that-- Oh my god.”

Much calmer, Knox tilted his head and asked, “Does this mean you’re...Gay?”

Keeping his eyes glued to the wooden beams above his head, Neil answered, “Yet another way I’m a disappointment to my father.”

With a sudden look of determination, Charlie grabbed Neil’s shoulder and hugged him, barely able to speak past his grin: “Neil Perry is gay!”

 

JD hadn’t been paying too much attention to the noisy boys over at the tables, rather focusing on keeping Van’s hands to himself while also retaining the movie some of the other students had put on.

However, a crystal clear, “Neil Perry is gay!” rattled his focus for a number of reasons. Reason #1: He knew Neil Perry. Reason #2: He was attracted to Neil Perry. Reason #3: He could potentially be with Neil Perry. Reason #4: He was sitting on his boyfriend’s lap while thinking about another boy.

Turning in his spot on Van’s legs, JD caught sight of Neil within seconds. A fleeting feeling of guilt flitted through him for immediately spotting the boy. In reality, it wasn’t hard to tell who was the center of attention, what with Charlie Dalton hanging off of him and smiling widely.

Other boys had turned to look at them, one even saying, “So?” The bubble of joy the boys at the table were in suddenly burst. Neil looked to the voice and deflated; Charlie scowled and released him from the hug. “It’s not like being gay’s a new thing to Welton. Van’s been out for a year: he makes out with his boyfriend in front of all of us. There’s no need to make a fuss over this.”

JD gritted his teeth to keep from yelling, but Van spoke for him, “Private schools, especially all-boys institutions like this one, are notorious for homophobia. For someone to be out at Welton is a big deal, just one you wouldn’t understand.”

Neil looked up through his eyelashes at Van, a thank-you on the tip of his tongue, but it died when he noticed JD on his lap. All the pieces he’d unknowingly been collecting fit together: Van was gay, Van had a boyfriend, JD was on his lap, _JD was Van’s boyfriend_.

While the news that Neil’s object of infatuation was queer made a part of his heart squeeze in happiness, the knowledge that he was already in a relationship and most likely not going to leave it had the rest of his heart clenching in disappointment.

The commons had suddenly grown tense and fragile: anything could set off a full-out fight, and Van prayed that JD didn’t have a knife on him. Just as the bomb of edginess was ready to go off, the door opened and Mr. Keating poked his head in.

“It’s near time for lights out, boys, so you should start getting ready for bed,” he said with a smile, looking around the room. When he caught sight of JD’s bleached hair, he frowned slightly and added, “And make sure your guest gets home safe, Mr. Arden.”

 

When Neil and Todd got back to their room, Todd immediately began to apologize for outing him.

“I wasn’t even thinking, Neil, I’m so sorry,” he said as he tossed his clothes into the basket. “I was trying to get Charlie off your back and I-- I made it worse.”

Shaking his head, Neil mumbled, “It’s fine.” Taking a seat on the old heater in front of the window -- it was, thankfully, no longer operational and thus safe to sit on -- he glanced out to the courtyard. Down below, Van was sending JD off. Even from the distance, Neil could tell that Van was leaving a hickey on his neck. Jealousy bloomed in the pit of his stomach at the sight until he was reminded of his promise to Todd. “Do you think he’d hear me?”

Turning from his bed, Todd asked, “Who?” Looking out the window as well, he shrugged. “Won’t know if you don’t try.”

Biting his lip to steel his resolve, Neil threw the shutters open. Van had already retreated back inside, but JD lingered. Sucking in a breath, Neil yelled, “JD!” Down below, JD jumped before looking up and catching sight of Neil. “Go to the cave in the park at midnight!” Neil thought he saw a smile grow on JD’s face as he nodded. After staring at each other for a moment longer, both lifted their hands to wave and laughed.

Turning to Todd, Neil couldn’t keep his smile under control.

 

The instant JD got home, he holed up in his room and called Ronan and Rorie. They both picked up immediately, and he could tell that they were together. The same scratchy sound of an old vinyl came from both of them, and the room behind them was all too similar.

“First off,” JD started after he’d lied down. “Why the hell aren’t you just using one phone for this call?” Rorie rolled her eyes while Ronan shrugged: it was his idea. “Second off...Pretty boy Neil’s gay.” Ronan cheered, a giant grin on his face, but Rorie frowned,

“You’re still with Van though, right?” When JD nodded, her frown deepened. “Then why would it matter?”

Ronan sighed in exasperation, answering before JD could. “Because, my dear sister, options are necessary. If JD and Van ever split, then he has a place to look if he wants another relationship.” Rorie looked through the camera and made JD meet her eyes.

“That’s not it, is it.” She didn’t phrase it as a question: she was onto him. “What’s been going on that you’ve kept hidden?”

“I’m still trying to determine whether it’s something at all, or if I’m just finding a pattern where it doesn’t actually exist,” JD answered carefully, tone cautious. “All I know is that there’s something going on at midnight that Neil invited me to.”

“And are you going?”

Ronan went silent, the scratchy vinyl overtaking the speakers.

Rorie went silent, the vinyl suddenly meeting a too-big scratch and skipping.

JD wanted to stay silent, but he eventually spoke.

“Yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life. To put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived."_
> 
> Welcome to the Dead Poets Society.


	4. Some Connections Are Fated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poetry has always had a way of drawing people who need others the most together. Poems for them are oftentimes the solidification of their very souls. Poets will always be vulnerable in that way.
> 
> It's easy to see that Neil has something buried deep, deep within him that he's too scared to share with the others. JD knows that feeling all too well. His offering of poetry is a sign of vulnerability, of trust, of someone he can come to. But it is possible that there is a wall standing directly in between the two that they did not expect to meet.

_“Is it pouring out my body, my nervous aching, I like that you can see it.”_

 

The minutes ticked away slowly. Had JD lived with his parents, he would have used the time to figure out how he would sneak out. Since he lived with Ronan and Rorie, that was unnecessary. However, neither of the twins were home either. He had no obvious way to occupy his time.

He changed his clothes five times during the wait. It would be a bit chilly, so he had to make sure he was warm, but he also wanted to look cute, but also wanted to look threatening, but also wanted to look casual. He eventually settled with slim-fitting red plaid flannel pajama pants, the matching button-up over top a loose-fitting shirt with some obscure art print on it. With his jacket, thick socks, and slightly-worn Docs, he was perfectly warm, threatening, and casual. But he felt that he’d missed the “cute” part.

“But I shouldn’t be trying to look cute anyway,” he told himself as he heated up green tea. “I’m not available.” Pouring the hot tea into a rather large thermos, he sighed. “And I really shouldn’t be thinking about Neil like that anyway.” When he glanced at the clock, he nearly jumped. “Shit!” Shoving his keys and phone into his pockets, JD dashed out the door and hurriedly locked up. “I’m so late!”

 

Charlie had been urging Neil to start the meeting the second it hit midnight.

“We agreed to start at midnight, man, and we’re the official members, right?” he asked. Neil nodded. “Then why is your boy crush more of a priority?”

“We could all say the same of you and the girls you brought with last time,” Todd muttered, rolling his eyes and sending Neil a reassuring smile. It said, “He’ll come, Neil. Just give him time.”

The moment Charlie started going off on his entirely sarcastic tangent against Todd, hurried footsteps crashed outside of the cave entrance and JD’s voice called, “I’m so sorry!” Within seconds, he appeared in the opening, red cheeked and puffing slightly. “I started to make tea and uh...Lost track of time.” Stepping in hesitantly, he looked around at everyone who was there. The only person he recognized was Neil.

Sitting up with a grin, Neil said, “It’s alright! It’s only been a few minutes.” Looking to the others, he gestured to JD. “This is JD, everybody. He’s a crew and pit orchestra member for the play I’m in.”

“He’s also Van’s boy toy, if I recall,” Charlie teased with a grin. JD flushed a bit and looked down at his thermos, self-consciously taking a sip of his tea. “Nice to have a face for the boy he was caught fu--”

“CHARLES!” It was impossible to tell whose voice had been the first to call out because everyone had cut him off abruptly.

Knox, who sat beside him, hit his arm and scolded him, saying, “That is no way to leave a first impression!” Charlie laughed in his face, turning his cheerful grin to JD once again.

“I jest everyone. I’m not singling him out for being a newbie!”

“Yes, but this is Neil’s friend, not yours! Who knows if he likes that kind of humour!” JD, rather uncomfortable and unfamiliar with the group, looked to Neil in desperation. Their eyes met, and he smiled. With a small wave of his hand, he gestured him over.

Slipping past the others, who seemed to have genuinely started arguing, JD took a seat between Neil and Todd. The latter introduced himself and extended his own apologies for Charlie, which JD brushed off. He then got dragged into the ongoing bickering.

“So, uhm…” JD mumbled when it was only him and Neil who were not in the conversation. “What is this exactly?”

“This meeting?” Neil glanced around the small cave, at the walls and the lanterns and his fellow Welton students. “It’s a poets society. The Dead Poets Society, to be precise.” JD sucked in a breath, a hand slipping into his jacket pocket. The worn edges of a frequently folded-and-refolded paper hit his fingertips.

“And what do you do, exactly?” he asked, grabbing hold of the paper and pressing it into his palm.

“We bring in poems, some that we’ve written ourselves, most that we find, and read them. And we discuss. And sometimes--” The ongoing argument the others were engaged in had dissolved and they were now telling jokes; Neil caught the tail end of one and had to stifle his laughter. Once he was back to normal, he continued. “Sometimes we just sit around and talk about things we need to get out.”

There was an undeniable undertone to Neil’s voice that made JD’s stomach knot up. He was so...Defeated. Like he never got out what he needed to; like he was suffering under a weight he couldn’t bear alone; like he felt the need to be there for others and never need them in return.

And JD couldn’t stand it. He pulled the paper from his pocket, fingers already undoing the creases so he could read his scrawled words.

And JD grabbed Neil’s hand. He squeezed it until his wrist shook, and he read the poem he’d written when he’d first met Ronan and Rorie and Van.

And Neil’s eyes watered for some reason that he refused to acknowledge. He suddenly felt intrinsically tied to JD, and he knew they understood each other.

And then the others started the meeting. JD let go of Neil’s hand, and he put his poem away.

And though he thought he should feel guilty, he couldn’t bring himself to.

 

The meeting lasted a few hours -- it felt like mere minutes, with all the meeting of new people and JD getting not only Neil’s number, but his Snapchat, Instagram, and everything else he could imagine -- and JD thanked whatever was listening that he didn’t have school the next day. He was exhilarated but entirely exhausted.

Ronan and Rorie were still visiting home, as he expected, but their house wasn’t empty when he got back. He could see the lights on in his bedroom and knew exactly who it was: Van. He’d been given a key back when the twins had been living there with an older cousin, and they’d never asked for it back.

When JD got inside, he took his time in putting everything away that didn’t belong in his room. He wasn’t entirely sure what Van was over for, and he wanted time to prepare himself for everything.

As he was rinsing out his thermos, he heard light footsteps behind him.

“Hey,” he called over his shoulder. “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming over? I could’ve told you I was gonna be out for a while.”

“I skipped out on impulse, wasn’t really planning to come here.” As JD set the thermos to the side so it could dry, Van stepped up behind him and rested a hand on his side. “Where’d you go, if I might ask?”

“I went to a sort of...Party, I guess.” Turning around to face him, JD smiled. “Some classmates of yours have a poets society, did you know?”

“Oh?” Van smiled back and pulled him into a hug. “Who are these classmates?”

“Charlie, Knox, Todd...Meeks and Pitts...And Cameron...Oh! And Neil.” Van suddenly tensed. “What?”

“Neil Perry?” he asked quietly.

“Yeah. Why?” JD leaned back and tried to meet Van’s eyes but had little success. “It was fun. You should come to the next meeting.”

Relaxing, Van smiled again and said, “Maybe I will.” Stepping out of the embrace, he grabbed JD’s wrist and tugged him lightly. “Now let’s get you out of all those clothes and have some fun ourselves. Whatever kind you like.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life. To put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived."_
> 
> Welcome to the Dead Poets Society.


	5. Hearts Will Always Ache

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> High school and hormones is a deadly concoction: there's so much that could go wrong, and all because of the chemicals in someone's body are a little out of control. High school and romance is also a deadly combination: there's so much that could go wrong, but no one would ever have known to expect it.
> 
> Neil and JD keep finding themselves faced with reminders of each other, and they both know that the way they are thinking of each other isn't okay. Not while Van is still in the picture.

_“I’m heartsick and well rehearsed.”_

 

John Keating’s English class was easily Neil’s favourite part of his entire school day: not only did he feel a personal connection with his teacher, the unconventional ways he taught helped solidify the lessons he was meant to teach in a real-life context.

There were times, however, when his plan of action seemed very...Out of left field. Today was one of those days.

“So, boys,” Mr. Keating began, sat on the edge of his desk with his hands folded in his lap. “I’ve asked you many a question, and you’ve shared many a story. Some of these instances have been personal. Today--” Pausing, Keating looked around the room. “I am asking for those of you willing to share your most embarrassing stories.”

Neil’s eyes widened in disbelief, and he looked over his shoulder at Charlie with an almost warning in his eyes. He watched in horror as Charlie shot him a grin and raised his eyes, but he wasn’t able to expose himself and his friends because of someone else.

On the other side of the room, near the back, Van-Gogh Arden spoke up, saying, “Most everybody in here has probably heard this story.”

Neil turned so quickly he thought he’d gotten whiplash, and he watched as Van sat back and tilted his head back.

“The guys in my building still like to bring it up as a joke,” he said after a while. “And to be fair, it is kinda funny. Getting caught with someone who isn’t supposed to be on campus is bad enough alone, but--”

Neil suddenly remembered the instance Van was addressing, and he felt an ugly coil of jealousy forming in the pit of his stomach just at the thought of it.

“Having a teacher catch you in your dorm room with your boyfriend, in the middle of something not school appropriate, is the worst way to get in trouble.”

Keating sat back, shocked at the revelation, and seemed to be stunned into silence. The boys in the room who hadn’t heard the story were in the same position.

Charlie, being the bad boy rebel he was, asked, “What exactly was it? Like, was it oral or something a lil more, y’know, pen--”

“Mr. Dalton,” Keating said in warning, sending Charlie a look that was heavier on disapproval than anger. Charlie went silent, and his joking grin fell.

Van shrugged it off and said, “Doesn’t matter what it was: all that matters is that I got caught with my boyfriend by a man so old he not only was balding but had pure white hair.” Looking to the clock in boredom, he quietly added, “Thank god he didn’t see him, though.”

As Keating went on to explain why he’d asked for such stories, Neil saw JD in his mind’s eye. At first, he was just as he’d first seen him: modded Welton sweater, grown-out bleached hair, and marked-up hands. Neil smiled to himself -- he’d fallen in love with the idea of JD right then and there -- but the smile fell as his thoughts changed. He didn’t see him naked, no, but his mind toyed with him until all he could think of was what Van must’ve felt with JD beneath him. Shaking his head, Neil took his glasses off and shoved the heels of his palms into his eyes.

Todd took notice of Neil’s sudden mini-breakdown, and he turned in his desk to regard him. Under his breath, he asked, “You okay?” Neil hissed out what sounded like a ‘no,’ and Todd inquired further. “What is it?”

“It’s envy.”

 

While Van aired his sexual adventures to his English class and Neil unwittingly had wet dreams about him, JD sat in a local thrift shop counting the money in the cash register.

There were a few things that JD had always thought made Welton better than public school, but whenever he got a random day off, he automatically let that thought process go. Today was one of those days.

With Ronan and Rorie still gone on a family trip, and Van at school, he had no one to bug other than Artymis.

Like the twins and Van, Artymis came from a rather rich family. Rather than running a lucrative business for their money, however, they were insanely lucky investors. To pass the days and earn regular incomes, they ran a thrift store available as both brick-and-mortar and online. As a recent graduate, Artymis still worked for her parents.

Though he wasn’t an official employee, the Coutts’ often paid JD for the miscellaneous stuff he did when bored.

That wasn’t the reason he had gone to visit Artymis, however. She was the only person he knew he could go to with his problems, not only because she was the only person he could talk to in person, but because she didn’t have any personal connection to the issue itself.

“So lemme get this straight,” Artymis said from the back room, putting together the parcels for the previous day’s online orders. “For the past month or so, you’ve been getting a weird vibe from Van. And then you met a really cute Welton boy that you already feel super close to. And now you have no clue how to handle any of this.”

“Don’t forget that Ronan and Rorie are absolutely useless to go to for help on this one,” JD added dejectedly, putting the drawer back into the cash register and locking it. “Ronan’s never liked Van, Rorie’s close friends with him. He’d tell me to dump Van and get with Neil, she’d tell me to stay with Van and forget about Neil.”

“Trust me.” Packing the last parcel, Artymis leaned on the door jamb and said, “I know how they can get.”

“So what should I do?” JD asked, spinning on his stool to look at her.

“Why don’t you start with telling me what it is about Van that’s got you so concerned about your relationship,” Artymis offered, turning the back room light off and shutting the door behind her. “Surely he hasn’t been doing anything violent?”

Sucking in a deep breath, JD began. “Everything started shifting after him and I got caught in his dorm room. We’d been-- We’d been having sex, rather quietly somehow, but one of the professors that lives in Van’s building noticed his dormmate out of his room. He questioned him, and decided to check the room, and...Heard us before he saw us.”

“That was...How long ago? Like a month?”

“Longer, closer to a month and a half. Things started slowly -- he was a little more persistent for me to visit him, a little more handsy in the commons room, a little more adventurous when we were alone. I just thought he was feeling more confident in being physical since we’d had sex.” Leaning forward and resting his elbows on the countertop, JD sighed and said, “But then he started to get possessive too.”

Artymis tensed up a bit, eyes hardening as she asked, “He didn’t--”

“No, he didn’t turn abusive or anything like that. His jealousy, which had been pretty slow to rear its head for our entire relationship, was quicker to action, I guess. His feathers would get ruffled if I was physical and close with someone other than, say, Ronan. He started to introduce me as his boyfriend first, then my name.” Chin in his palms, JD shook his head. “But then it just stalled. Nothing was different, and I thought that maybe this was just the way things changed after something like sex.”

“Considering that was a major point in your relationship with him, I can see that.” Taking a seat across the counter from him, she asked, “But then something new happened recently?”

“When I was at Welton last night, someone got outed. That someone Neil, the Welton boy from the play. Van got all tense -- he hid it well -- and the way he held onto me afterward felt different, and I don’t think it was because I got angry when people started to throw homophobic comments Neil’s way.”

“There’s more…?”

“I went to a sort of poetry club last night, too. Neil was there. I didn’t tell Van about it. When I got home, Van was already there. And when I told him that Neil had been there, he tensed up again. But that time he didn’t hide it.” Looking down at his hands, JD added, “And when we went back to my room, he was a lot more forward than usual. And just...He didn’t feel the same: he wasn’t acting like the Van I knew.”

Artymis went silent as she absorbed everything, mulling all the information over as she slowly drew her conclusion. “You’re afraid that your relationship with Van is headed in an unhealthy relationship on his part: that his jealousy will soon make him feel that he can’t trust anyone around you, that they might steal you away.” JD looked up with wide eyes, and Artymis went on. “And the beginnings of this are culminating in a distrust and disdain for one Neil Perry.”

 

That night, JD and Neil found themselves in the same building for the third night in a row. It was the first practice of many, and JD was finally going to be doing something.

Before the actors had arrived, JD had been helping the crew with getting props and costumes together. Though he wasn’t the best with power tools, he knew his way around a paintbrush quite well, and he was definitely capable of holding fabric flat so that it could be sewn.

When the minutes counting down to cast practice were down to single digits, he dismissed himself and collected his sheet music and instrument. For this particular play, he was one of the few musicians to be a part of the pit orchestra. Not only that, he was the only flute, and one of three wind instruments. He was still unsure whether the restricted numbers was a good idea, but the music director seemed sure of himself.

Once JD was seated between the tuba and trumpet, the actors began to arrive. Unsurprisingly, Neil was one of the first to walk in. He had a gigantic grin on his face, and JD could feel his excitement all the way across the hall.

 

Neil had been looking forward to the first practice from the second he’d found out he was cast for the play. Now that he was in the hall again, surrounded by the rest of the cast, it finally set in that he had actually made it.

Smile plastered to his face almost permanently, Neil looked around to see if he could spot JD. The moment he saw him, he thought back to English class and felt his face grow warm. He had to look away from JD before he saw the look on his face.

 

For a first practice, JD thought that everything had gone well. To his own surprise, the limited pit orchestra actually had a nice sound to it. (That may have been because of the instrument mic the director had given him to amplify the high voice, however, he wasn’t sure.) And the cast! He’d never heard a first full-group run-through that good!

When it was time to go, he decided to wait around after packing up his things so he could talk to Neil a bit. He ended up waiting for upwards of five minutes -- Neil had stricken a conversation with the director -- but he didn’t mind. As he waited, he sent insults to Ronan along with a collection of baby animal pictures.

Just as Ronan finally replied, Neil’s conversation ended, and he jumped down from the stage. JD looked up from his phone and raised a hand in greeting.

“Hey!” he said, slipping his phone into his pocket as he walked up. “I wanted to ask you some stuff.”

Neil smiled at him, heading for where he’d left his stuff and asked, “What kind of stuff?”

Trailing after him, JD shrugged and said, “What kind of memes are okay to send to you, when are good times to chat, stuff like that. And when the text DPS meeting is.” When Neil stopped, JD moved to stand beside him. “Since I don’t go to Hellton with you all, I have no way to know without you telling me.”

Neil laughed as he put his scarf and coat on. “We’re trying to have meetings weekly, though I want them to be a bit more frequent.” Slinging his bag over one shoulder, he looked up at JD and added, “But don’t worry, I’ll always let you know when there’s going to be a meeting.” JD couldn’t help but mirror his smile, and they stood like that for a few minutes until the tuba player passed and bumped JD with his case.

“Sorry!” he yelled over his shoulder, already past them.

Waving him off, JD finally looked away from Neil and nodded. “Well, then, I guess I’ll see you. At the next meeting, or here at practice. Maybe at Welton, if I decide to sneak onto campus again.”

Neil nodded and said, “I look forward to it.” Neither of them moved for what seemed like hours, but the sudden buzzing of Neil’s phone jolted him forward. Checking to see who was calling him, his face paled and he said, “I gotta go.”

JD watched as Neil ran out of the building, answering the call just as he slipped through the doors, and he sighed. He had an important decision to make, and he’d have to make it sooner than he wanted to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life. To put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived."_
> 
> Welcome to the Dead Poets Society.


End file.
